Seasons 2 and 3: Rewritten
by jensmiling
Summary: I'm back! I previously wrote parodies of season 2. I've now added a new chapter to this story  chapter 7  for season 3. Whole cast, but I am a Finchel fan so lots of them. Only for Lols, not serious! Some swearing.
1. Chapter 1: DUETS

_I wrote a little parody of Silly Love Songs and was overwhelmed by how many people loved it. Then I searched and realised there weren't many types of this fic. So I decided to write a new story, basically rewritting season 2 episodes as I watch them. I watch them at different times, so it won't be in Chronological order. Hence, the first one being Duets. I love Finchel and Quick. but this features everyone. _

_BTW, It's very sarcastic and in no way is mentioned to be serious. Just fun. T+ for language. _

_Disclaimer: Don't own it, obviously._

* * *

_Choir room._

Mr Shue: Sorry I'm late. I have been with Principle Figgins. I know I am in no way responsible for him but I had to hear the news first. Puck has been sent to Jail!

Quinn (_wearing a T-Shirt with the slogan 'I have been independent for 6 days.') _Puck?

Finn: Err, the guy who you had a baby with?

Quinn: Flinn! I don't care about men. I am independent, I must focus on myself! (_Writes this on her hand as a reminder)._

Finn: It's Finn actually but fine! Let's see how that works out for you. Anyways, we need his bad boy stage presence.

Artie: WTF did you just say? I didn't know bad boy stage presence is something we got marked on at Sectionals? FYI, if this is the case lets not do a Patrick Swayzee Number.

Mr Shue: Look here is our new member Sam. Guys he is basically a blonde version of Finn, so like Finn, he quit Glee after 41 seconds due to overwhelming peer pressure. But I'm sure the similarities end there. It's not like he's dumb or... ok, well it's not like he's on the football team…. Oh wait. Ok, well he's not going end up dating the cheerleader and being cheated on…. oh I need to stop starting these sentences.. They make me die inside.

Sam: Hi, I'm Sam. I talk in rhyme and have dyslexia. But don't worry, none of this will be relevant later on. I am going to pretend to be all geeky but I'll probably be a complete douche by next week.

Kurt: So, exactly like Finn then.

Artie: PREACH!

_Mr Shue turns to the board and the word__ DUETS appears. This makes no sense as he has not picked up a pen._

Kurt (_whispers to Mercedes)_ I hope Sam is not gay.

Mercedes: I'm sure he's not, don't worry. Are you wearing a skirt?

Kurt: I'm special Mercedes! I can wear what I want. I wish someone would understand me. If Sam is gay then I won't be the only person in school is gay! This just won't do!

Mercedes: tater tot?

(_Kurt shakes his head, disgusted)_

_Sam goes to sit on the front row._

Mr Shue :Er, Sam. Please make your way to the back with other minor members of the group.

Sam: But I'm going to be Quinn's boyfriend.

Shue: Oh my mistake! Finn, move up please.

END SCENE.

* * *

Finn: Hey Kurt.

Kurt: Hello Finn

(Pause)

Finn: I don't get it, why did we pause?

Kurt: To remind everyone that we are in an area of the school that is not the corridor or the choir room.

Finn: Is that why you are wearing a hat that looks like it belongs to a lunch lady?

Kurt: No Finn, it's because I'm special.

Finn: Oh right, so anyways. I know one pays any interest in the songs we sing, but still. You must not perform with Sam because the whole school will sneak into the choir and see it. Then they will kill him because they think he's gay. Then Quinn will have no one to cheat on with, when she inevitably realises she is still in love with me.

Kurt. You haven't spoke to her for six months and she thought you were an exchange student yesterday. This seems unlikely.

Finn: But not impossible. Let's make that clear. (_pauses to allow message to sink in)_ Anyways, because you are gay you cannot sing a gay song with Sam, because he will think your gay and then everyone will call Glee club gay.

Kurt: I'm probably being paranoid Finn, but do you somehow have a problem with me being gay? _(shakes head) _Forget it, I must be imagining it.

Finn: No, I have a problem with everyone else thinking your gay.

Kurt: Hmm, not the best excuse there, but don't worry you learnt this lesson last time when you dressed up in a shower curtain? So this surely can't be repeated.

Finn: Yes, but like all life lessons. I have now forgotten. Don't worry, I will treat you like shit but I have an excellent song to make it up to you in a months time.

Kurt: Well that seems fair. Hey, why don't you and Rachel eat in here? It might make a change from spending all your time in her bedroom.

Finn: I would but Rachel follows a very specific diet. She is vegan but can eat Pizza from the bowling alley when trying to make me her boyfriend.

Kurt: WOW, tough ride. Is that why when you came back to school you both looked so thin and we could see your cheek bones? And everyone said you had aged ten years?

_Finn nods sadly. _

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Rachel are in the choir room. They sing Don't Go Breaking my Heart. Outside, students are fainting from how adorable it is._

Finn: We are so amazing! With my sub-average vocals and our expert circling of each other we will eliminate the competition. It is so hard being amazing.

Drummer: If I may interrupt…

(_Finn and Rachel turns to each other in horror. Rachel makes the sign of the cross.)_

I wouldn't worry so much. It is very similar if not identical to Borderline. It is also less interesting because we are no longer on the edge of our seats wondering if you're going to kiss.

Finn: Dude, you know you can't contribute to the club in any way!

Drummer: Well perhaps if you didn't just expect me to take over your drumming each time you want to have eye sex with your girlfriend, I'd like you more. I think you're a jackass!

Brad: I agree. I do not get paid for Rachel to fluff my hair. Sure, I spend my days praying someone will show up in the empty choir room at clearly designated class times but still.

_Rachel and Finn ignore them and go to sit on the back step. They begin making out_

Brad: Fuck this! _Brad walks out._

Rachel: Finn, I haven't learnt an important lesson for two weeks. That's it! My lesson is going to learn is to let others win. We must throw the competition for Sam's sake.

Finn: Awesome!

Drummer: Well don't throw it, why not actually compete? I'm pretty sure no one likes you anyways? Plus Sam and Quinn's duet will probably beat yours.

Finn: Shut it. Rachel, I love inspiring you. I am such a leader. Come here. _Finn and Rachel make out._

_Drummer throws sticks at Finn's head. Finn yelps in pain and drummer runs off, joined by the rest of the band._

END SCENE

* * *

_Mike and Tina in the library._

Mike: We're Asian, Asian, Asian, Asian.

Tina: Totally.

END SCENE.

* * *

_Sam in shower__ .Kurt walks in innocently, with a camera. _

Sam: Get out of the shower room! This is totally inappropriate.

Kurt: Please! It is very difficult to find you! You spend 90% of your time showering and the other 10% in rarely used astronomy classes.

Sam: Err hello, how else will I show off my abs?

Kurt: Point well made. Anyway, there is little point in continuing this conversation. We have established what a caring person you are, creating an excellent contrast to Finn, and we've shown off your body. Job done!

END SCENE.

* * *

_Quinn and Sam in a rarely used astronomy room. Quinn is naturally concerned that she is not in the choir room and starts looking for the piano man. Sam calms her down by showing her his guitar._

Sam: Look we need to get it on. I have little purpose without a love triangle and Finn and Rachel will be completely happy if you don't somehow have a boyfriend to cheat on.

Quinn: How dare you? I'm totally independent! I had such a horrible year pretending to be drunk, cheating on my boyfriend, lying to everyone and being a bitch. But now look at me, I'm a totally different person. Note to self, beat Rachel up.

Sam: Well that doesn't seem very nice. I thought you were a totally different person?

Quinn: Yes I am. I no longer wear maternity clothes. I'm hot again.

Sam: Look is this going to happen or not? Because if not, Mike and Tina are interested in forming a love triangle plot with me. Girl likes her abs and Mike wants to sing 3-4 lines of a group number.

Quinn: Oh Sam (_flutters her eyelashes) _I am totally in llllove with you.

_Sam leans in to kiss her._

_Quinn slaps him. _

Quinn: How dare you? I'm independent.

Sam: Man, this so isn't worth a duet at Sectionals. (_rolls eyes)_

END SCENE.

* * *

_Sam and Finn in gym. Sam is working out so he can take another shower. Finn enters, pretending to be mildly angry._

Finn: WOAH! WTF! You kissed Quinn!

Sam: Yes I know, why are you saying it so loudly?

Finn: So people listening can interpret this as long lost feelings of love resurfacing. They will then use this as evidence to support the fact of me being in love with her in a few months time.

Sam: Do you love her?

Finn: Fuck no! She's crazy. My girlfriend is really short and talks a lot but I'm in love with her.

Sam: Why do you always start the sentence with a negative? Why not just say you love her? Or better yet, don't say it altogether, because no one asked you?

Finn; Because I love Rachel and must remind everyone. Yet I point out her flaws to ensure she has low enough self-esteem to cheat on me.

Sam: Good plan.

Finn: So get Quinn to make out with you okay? Because if Rachel doesn't learn her life lesson we can't do all the awesome coupley things we have planned, like tackle hugs and fist bumping.

Sam: Fine! I better get two Beiber songs eventually to make up for this.

END SCENE

* * *

_Choir room. Finn and Rachel have performed 'Born Again.' They fist bump._

Quinn: I am so Christian that I want to punch you.

Mr Shue: I agree with your threats Quinn, in fact I encourage bullying in my classroom. Finn and Rachel, where on earth did you find those totally random costumes?

Finn: In the mystery costume cupboard Shue. Hey, guess what? There were a bunch of old Rocky Horror Costumes in our exact size there!

Rachel: Yes, isn't the musical coming up soon too?

_Mr Shue pauses thoughtfully and takes out his notebook. The students turn to each other in anticipation. Finn squeezes Rachel's leg excitedly. Mercedes closes the lids of her tater tots and is on the edge of her seat._

Mr Shue: Guys, I've been thinking...

(_Sam starts making a list of revealing outfits to show off his abs)_

Mr Shue: Do you think Emma still loves me? Because otherwise there is literally no point in teaching Glee anymore. Why won't she love me? (_starts to cry. Class sighs in frustration)_

Finn: Err, Mr Shue. Why not get everyone to cast their vote for the competition? That will cheer you up?

Mr Shue: Totally. Now guys, make sure you all vote for yourselves so Rachel and Finn's are the only votes that truly count.

Rachel: I would just like to say I am so glad I have learnt a valuable and important lesson by throwing the competition.

_Drummer coughs loudly and mutters 'would have lost anyways' under his breath. _

Sam: Err, guys. May I point out, Rachel and Finn could have just pulled out of the competition rather than coming up with an elloborate and unecessary scheme? Mr Shue had no problem with Artie doing this.

(_silence. Bale of hay tumbles across the choir room)._

Finn: I knew I didn't like this guy.

END SCENE.

* * *

_Kurt and Rachel singing duet in the choir room. Finn smiles happily at Rachel. He then takes out his n__otebook out and reads it. The list written is entitled 'Questions to ask Rachel When We Stop Making Out.'_

_1. Can I touch your boobs again?_

_2. Why are your dads never home?_

_He pauses thoughtfully and then writes neatly, adding to the list._

_3. Why the fuck are you wearing a sailors outfit?_

END SCENE.

* * *

Ha! That's it! If you like, please review! Also welcoming requests for what ep to do next. I will do Comeback on Wednesday, but may fit in another before then. REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2: ROCKY HORROR

_Thanks for the reviews guys! I delayed updating because for some reason I had 20 reviews as a minimum in my head, but oh well, 18 is still awesome!Love all your support, especially when you say your fave bits. This is the Rocky Horror show, so hi to NinjaWizardGleek15 who requested it!__

* * *

__Auditorium.__ Will is trying to pull a face to show regret and guilt. Instead it looks like someone doing a decent impression of Orangutan._

Mr Shue: Alright, voice over time! Insert hilarious pun about Rocky Horror and horror here. Gosh, I'm clever. Anyways, I am going to be the one learning a lesson today, not the kids!

END SCENE.

_

* * *

_

_Choir room._

Mike: Mr Shue, I was thinking: Why don't we do a performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Mr Shue: No Mike. That wouldn't work. Besides, I have the next two weeks of one-word lessons planned and everyone knows that phrase has four words in it.

_Emma walks past. She is wearing 'I heart my boyfriend and the Rocky Horror picture show.'__ T-Shirt._

Rachel: Mr Shue, now can we do Rocky Horror?

_Mr Shue shakes his head. _Isn't Emma so pretty? I wonder where she manages to find all those items of clothing in bold shades of yellow? She truly is amazing.

_Emma comes into the choir room_

Emma: Hi Will, look at me. (_Throws grapes at Finn's head. Finn, somewhat adorably delirious, passes it back to her. She catches it in her mouth. Then picks up a five day old pizza from the floor and eats it)_ I'm cured! Well of my OCD I mean. Don't worry, we'll leave the virginity issue for the time being. So anyways it's all because of ROCKY HORROR!

Will: Oh my gosh! I just had the most amazing idea that it is no way related to your speech! Guys, why don't we do the Rocky Horror show as the musical this year? Please give me a round of applause.

Mike: I already said that? (_rolls eyes)_

Will: Shut up Mike! I let you background dance and comically sing off-tune last lesson and this is how you repay me? To think I was going to let you say 2 lines in today's closing number! Ha-Ha, you will never achieve your dream now! (_laughs evilly)_ Anyways, we are going to do this, because I'm in love with Emma.

Emma: What?

Mr Shue: Because I'm in love with the idea of freedom and expression!

Emma: Oh, that makes sense. Quick question: Why are you all taking notes? He hasn't said anything of importance yet?

Mercedes: Don't worry Mrs P. I'm just trying to look busy in the background. Instead I'm writing a list of ways I can bring 'hell to the nah' into the conversation. I haven't used it for a whole 3 minutes.

Artie: PREACH! I'm trying to make a list of ways that it would be plausible to believe that I am offended because Brittany slept with me. I mean look at what I'm wearing! No one else will ever have sex with me in the history of the universe.

Mr Shue: Now I have been pretty groundbreaking in my choice of casting. There are no similarities between yourself and the parts you will play. Artie: you are playing the guy in the wheelchair when everyone knows….. oh well Finn and Rachel you are playing a geeky couple, that love each other but will eventually cheat due to bizarre and unrealistic circumstances, which is totally not….. fine! Kurt, you can play the one in women's clothes because you never wear skirts. Oh, forget this! Someone just give me another round of applause.

Mike: Can I play Frankfurter instead?

Mr Shue: Great! (_Mr Shue reaches over to his 'things to do notebook.' The follow items are listed._

_Have revenge sex with Terri._

_Casually mention to Santana that she slept with Finn to ensure she still remembers and can bring it up in a few weeks time._

_Get Puck sent to Jail because he's getting dull._

_Win Emma over and then treat her badly. (See Finn and Rachel, Season 1, Back 9, for inspiration)_

_He adds to it._

_Send Mike Chang's parents death threats to ensure they make their son withdraw from the play. It is crucial no one hears him sing_.

Mr Shue: Right, well that's everyone assigned who is of significance. The rest of you can just swap parts, no one's interested in you. Quinn-your not getting a lead until you cheat on Sam, Kurt- get someone to bully you again and perhaps we'll talk.

Sam: Err, hello! Aren't you forgetting me? I got rave reviews as the dorky adorable new guy last week. _(begins to speak in Avatar language. Quinn pretends to faint at the adorableness, then slaps him)_

Mr Shue: Yes Sam. Now unfortunately I couldn't find a character that's actually in the shower, but I have got the next best thing...

END SCENE.

* * *

_Finn and Rachel in the auditiorium. _

Finn: Shouldn't we be in class?

Rachel: No Finn, if we are to prepare, rehearse and perform this in the span of 2 days then we must begin immediately.

Finn: Fine. Hey Rachel, even though I am usually full of it, I totally hate my body. Please note this will not be mentioned again when I become a total man whore and start winking at random.

Rachel: Can I just say, we've been going for around 3 months and I totally seduced you by delivering a whole speech on why sex is great. How is it not possible, that I have not seen your shirt off?

Finn: Rachel, I have a ton of questions to ask you when we stop making out. For example, why have I overlooked that last week I kept trying to touch your boobs and now your going to be in your underwear! Shouldn't I be mailmaning already? (_looks confused)._

Rachel: Adorable hug to detract from the issue?

Finn: Totally.

(_they hug)_

END SCENE.

* * *

_Sue's office._

Sue: I'm going to do something evil whilst wearing a tracksuit and referring to myself in the third person. ORIGINAL!

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Rachel are preparing to perform Dammit, Janet._

Santana: I know about Finn's disgusting body y'all! I am not going to reveal how, but I be going to drop a hint! Rachel will be totally oblivious to it as usual.

Mr Shue: Not for another three weeks Santana!

Rachel: I love my boyfriend, stop being mean!

Quinn: Err, why, he never defends you under any circumstances? I'm the only one he defends.

Santana: Also, I'd like to add a comment to show Artie has now became a total jackass.

Artie: PREACH! I am horrifically sexist, yet look at what I'm wearing. It makes no sense people.

_Will__ gives a reprimanding look. Then starts to apply hair gel._

Rachel: One of these days you are actually going to have to yell at us Mr Shue. Those looks can only get you so far.

Mr Shue: Rachel, I only shout at girls. The guys scare me.

_Finn and Rachel begin to sing. __Finn jumps up to the top of the stairs and then walks down them. Suddenly, Santana and Brittany begin making out. Outside a bunch of footballers begin to fight each other. Sam takes off his shirt and rubs baby oil on his abs._

Mr Shue: WOAH! Stop right there, I can't take this anymore!

Finn: What's the matter Mr Shue?

Mr Shue: Get the fuck away from my board Finn. Call that a heart? It is sloppily drawn and appears to keep changing in shape whilst you sing. This won't do!

Santana: Err, what about us making out?

Kurt: We must ignore that or my being gay won't be a special.

Mr Shue: Exactly and everyone knows it's Beiste's job to break up a football fight so…

Artie: Watching Finn and Rachel make is less exciting without the constant thrill of Finn accidentally touching her boob. PREACH!

Mike: Err you can't preach yourself man!

_Artie hangs head in shame._

END SCENE

* * *

_Sam, Finn and Artie __are in the gym. Artie is using the smallest weights ever invented._

Sam: So to conclude, despite eating at Breadsticks last week, today I will eat no food. (_lifts up shirt to show abs) _Man I wish the showers weren't out of order, so I wouldn't have to do this part of the day with clothes on.

Finn: Dude, be careful. I think Mercedes has all the food storylines this year. Try to diversify.

Artie: PREACH!

Sam: Why are you even working out in here?

Artie: Oh because I've come up with another catchphrase. Just carry on with your conversation and I'll fit it in naturally.

Sam: Forget geeky sam, douche-bag Sam is here!

Artie: DAMN STRAIGHT! Do you love it? I love it, right?

Finn: I'd stick to preach.

_Artie starts to cry._

END SCENE.

* * *

_Auditorium. Dress rehearsal. _

Finn: Remember, I'm very insecure about my body.

Mr Shue: Sssh, I'm trying to make out with Emma!

Emma: Er Sam, I am pretty sure those are not the shorts I gave you, as this would be both unprofessional and inappropriate? It's not like anyone is wearing a PVC corset in this thing, right?

Sam: Oh I know. The outfit you gave me was kind of long so I cut it. It's about the abs Mrs P.

Mike: Who is that one person sitting behind you both? Why has no one noticed him? It is creepy.

_Rachel faints and does the best facial expression since Kurt's pretending to be straight and in love with Rachel. Mr Shue, please take note!_

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Sam, in the gym._

Finn: I've just come to say it's your own fault your dyslexic. You never attend any classes! Everyone knows I took 2 whole Spanish classes last year.

Sam: My dyslexia will never be mentioned again. Finn, just let the sexy flow through!

Finn: Totally!

Artie _storms in._: So I can't get away with "Damn straight" but he can pull of 'Let the sexy flow through?' Could you try any harder to get a bi-sexual storyline in six months time?

Kurt: For the last time, there is only one gay person in this school and that's me. Oh hello Sam, I thought I'd find you here. (_begins to take photographs of Sam)_

Finn: Why are you here? You sure seem to be in a lot more places that last year. Right, I'm going to take all my clothes off to prove an important point about self-identity.

Kurt: This year is about my fight for tolerance and acceptance Finn. Therefore I appear in most storylines now, even if completely irrelevant. Deal with it!

Sam: Er, no Finn. Listen carefully to my message again. Let's just rewind. That's not what I said. Just listen. Did I mention removing your clothes? At any point, did I say that?

(_Finn shrugs and takes off T-Shirt. Kurt faints.)_

Finn: I have to show my abs too Sam. Not everyone finds your deranged Beiber looks attractive. By taking off my clothes, we will appeal to a wider base of teenager girls. You know the ones that find very tall thirty year old men attractive.

Artie: Should I do it too?

Sam and Finn in unison: NO!

Sam: Dude, it's all about my abs! Put that T-Shirt on immediately!

(_Finn runs through the corridor in his boxers. Sam eats a single dorrito and then begins to cry.)_

Artie (_trying to comfort Sam)_ Er... PREACH?

END SCENE

* * *

_Choir room._

Mr Shue: So, I know you have learnt important messages. Like wearing no clothes will lead to empty threats of suspension unless your Sam, or Rachel during Britney week.

Sam (_wearing a T-Shirt that says 'I'm a bigger douche than Finn...' on the front. On the back it says '…until after the Superbowl'_ Or that a person can change vastly in personality in a short space of time?

_Mr Shue nods._

Artie: Or that Brittany and Santana can ignore each other, then be best friends, then go on to ignore each other again in future weeks?

_Mr Shue applauds._

Finn: Or that we can spend a whole week putting back the feminist movement and talking about why our girlfriends won't put out?

Mr Shue: No that's next week Finn.

Finn: Oh yeah.

Mr Shue: But the most important lesson I have learnt is to let Emma move on. Which means I will never base another lesson around her. Or change the order at Sectionals at the last minute to meet her approval.

Finn: Yeah, good luck with that one. Look how many times I've been a douche to Rachel and I've still not learnt my lesson.

END SCENE.

* * *

_So that's it. Next chapter will probably be NBK because it airs in the UK on Monday. If you LOLed, please review,I love them so much! PREACH!_


	3. Chapter 3:BIOTA

_Another parody, this time it's Blame It On The Alchohol. Thanks for all of the reviews so far. Also, thank you so much for all the love for PREACH! It's not big or clear but my friend and I's new favourite game is to casually put this into every conversation._

_Principle's Office_

* * *

Principle Figgins (PF): Will, it has come to my attention that we have not discussed the important message of alcoholism in teenagers for almost two years. Alcohol kills (_pauses to allow message to sink in)_. This must be addressed immediately! Look there's a wasted fat kid to prove my point.

Will: Okay, I guess, but I mean there are other teachers at the school. I'm not solely responsible for the kids here.

PF: Yes, I suppose but then we'd have to make up names for teachers we'd never see again and it would pointless. Besides I'm offering you the chance to learn another life lesson Will! It's been a whole 2 weeks since you learnt one of those!

Will _suspicious _Wait. Is it a life lesson of my own or one I'll teach to the kids?

PF: Well, we do work in a school William, it is about the kids.

_Will s__hrugs, dejectedly._

PF: Besides what else have you got going on other than crying over Emma?

Will: I'll do it! That reminds me. I'm in love with Emma! I should get a vest with that on or something.

_Will r__uns out of office to staff room. _

END SCENE

* * *

Will: Emma!

Emma: Hi Will! _Emma __brings his face up close the show him her ring. _Remember, Will, I'm married. So, are you dating anyone? _Pulls strange sadistic smile._

Will: Do you have something in your eye? You look weird.

Emma: I'm trying to casually flirt, Will! Have you seen my ring?

Will: Yes. Quick question, that I usually ignore because I love you so much. Do you eat anything but fruit?

Emma: I don't know what you're talking about. _Emma pi__cks up bag. Unfortunately it breaks and 23 orange, 7 apples and 12 separate tubs of green and red grapes tumble out._

Will: Hang on! Your grapes are separated again!

Emma: Fine, I may have forgotten that I'm cured! It's only relevant when I'm trying to make you jealous Will!

Will: Oh okay…so anyways. Let me tell me about Glee kids…

Emma: WOAH! Will, shut up about the kids! Let's talk about something else.

(_Both are silent as they try to figure out something to talk about)_

Emma: Did I show you my ring?

_Will bangs head on table._

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Rachel__ are in choir room. Finn for some reason is holding a laptop, even though he probably doesn't know how to turn one on. They hug._

Brad: For fucks sake, will you two just get a room already!

Finn: What are you going on about? Everyone knows I'm in love with Quinn. Oh that was last week, only not to be mentioned ever again it seems. Well still, I'm so not in love with Rachel!

Rachel: And I'm independent so there! I don't need a man!

Brad: How exactly are you independent? Finn gives you the same motivational speech each week and you just sniffed him. You actually just smelt Finn.

Finn: I happen to be really good at motivational speeches, okay? Geez! Rachel, I believe in you. It was my idea for you to write this song because I have so much belief in you. I just can't explain how much belief I believe I have in you.

Brad: Just do the song already! Chill dude!

_Rachel sings 'My Headband'_

Rachel: It was difficult to write, as I wasn't sure if you truly believed in me but I think I did okay.

Finn: What the fuck? Why is this song not about me? I'm not going to get back with you at Regionals if you don't sing a heartfelt love song about losing me, making me suddenly come to my senses!

Brad: I did tell her that, but she wouldn't listen.

_Rachel runs out the room. Finn makes wildly sexist remark about not getting past 2__nd__ base with Rachel and pats himself on the back._

Brad: Dude, that's low.

Finn: It's been five minutes of me smiling at Rachel, I need to remind everyone what a douche I can be. I can't just go around delivering motivational speeches you know.

Artie _wheels into the choir room. _

_Artie: _PREACH!

Artie _wheels out of the choir room._

END SCENE

* * *

_Rachel's Basement.__ The Party._

Rachel: Hi everyone, I'm sorry I didn't have time to get changed so I just threw on my grandma's nightgown.

_Finn nods. Finn takes out his 'Things to ask Rachel (the 'after we stop making out part' is crossed off) and ticks off: First the sailor outfit and now this dress? Are you actually insane?_

Rachel: Anyways, have 2 wine coolers. Because you can't get drunk off 2 wine coolers.

Quinn: Totally!

Rachel: Didn't you get so drunk you fell pregnant off 2 wine coolers Quinn?

Quinn: No Rachel, I pretended to be drunk, as an excuse, so I could ignore Puck for the next two years! Duh!

Puck: Shouldn't we bring that up already?

Quinn: No.

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Rachel__ are dancing. Rachel is very drunk._

Finn: Man, look how drunk Kurt is, dancing like that! Fail!

Kurt: Hey, they're my actual dance moves!

Finn: Oh, sorry dude. Look how wise I am, not drinking. _Pats self on back again._

Rachel: Finn I know I'm independent but for the 7th time please get back with me! I NEED YOU!

Finn _goes to kiss her. _Wait! How am I supposed to win you back if you keep forgetting to be independent! Aren't you supposed to be on a journey of self-discovery in time for Regionals?

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Finn _checks watch. _Man you're so needy, not cool!

Rachel: You're being mean again!

Finn: Sorry, five minute rule. _He shrugs._

Mercedes: Hell to the nah all! Girl why can't you be the violent drunk? If you punched him in the face you'd get so many fans. Seriously, there are so many people wanting to punch Finn right now! DO IT!

Finn: Err hello I'm awesome, I believe in Rachel! Do you believe in Rachel?

Mercedes: I believe that you keep being a frickin douche to Rachel! _She punches Finn in the face. _

Mercedes_: _Now sort out if you are likeable or douchey and stick with it man! I can't deal with this.

Finn: Ouch! So anyways! I'm going to tell you about the archetypes of different drunk women in a slightly sexist way. So Santana….

Mercedes (_interrupting) _Now we're supposed to believe you know what archetypes mean? Not cool bro! _Mercedes p__unches Finn in the face. again._

END SCENE

* * *

_The Glee club are performing 'Blame it On the Alcohol.' They are totally drunk, even if it is 36 hours after the party._

Will: Its okay, I guess. To be honest guys, I'm just hanging around until it's time to learn my lesson. This assembly idea is ridiculous; every performance we have done has ended in disaster, so why are we being asked again? Although your peers wildly applaud, you still get mocked the next day anyways.

Artie: PREACH!

_S__till drunk, Santana burst into tears. Rachel starts straddling Finn. Puck throws up, Brittany falls on the floor._

_Will__ looks up from his marking and starts to applaud._

Will: Great job! Class dismissed!

END SCENE

* * *

_Kurt and Burt in the kitchen. Kurt is wearing his favourite 'WOE IS ME!' T-Shirt._

Kurt: So if Finn has a girl over that's not allowed. But if I have a guy over that's not allowed too! You are such a hypocrite! Do you understand how difficult my life is? It took me 7 weeks to work out where I'm living and now this! Now go and research about it so we can have more of these ridiculous conversation.

END SCENE.

* * *

_Choir room, Will is lecturing__ the club about drinking._

Will: I am so glad I….oh I mean, _you_ have all learnt your lessons. I mean sure I saw the signs, I should have acted on them .Like the fact Finn was wearing another douche hat…

Finn: Err I was sober the entire time, Mr Shue. I just really like hats all of a sudden.

Will: Really, because that would have explained a lot about your behaviour recently. Oh, okay, or the fact that when Brittany sung her voice sounded like it had been altered by a computer.

Brittany: It always does that.

Will: Okay, well Sam and Santana being together! Another sign!

Sam: We've been going out for two weeks Mr Shue!

Will: Oh forget it! Just don't drink okay!

Quinn: Aren't you kind of a hypocrite?

_Finn and Quinn high five._

Will: Seriously, you two are accusing other people of being hypocritical?

Finn: We haven't learnt our lesson about that yet! I mean we could talk about the fact that I can forgive Quinn but not Rachel if you'd like?

Will: Oh sorry guys, that's in a few weeks! My bad!

Brittany: Can we address the fact I don't know how babies are made and sex education?

Will: All planned for next week Brittany. We may even get a pregnancy scare!

Brittany: Awesome!

Kurt: When am I coming back?

_Will jumps, __startled. Kurt shrugs._

Kurt: What? I've been here the whole time. There's no point staying at Dalton now Blaine's not interested.

Will: You can't just keep coming back Kurt, we'll deal with you after Regionals.

Kurt: Oh okay. I'll just wait here in the meantime.

_Finn and Rachel, forgetting they're not together, start to smile at each other._

Will: Finn, Rachel, please stop confusing us. Sit separately or you'll keep forgetting you can't get back together. Sure, people say it could happen next week but it might not be until the end of the year. Deal with it. No remember, this message only applies until Nationals. After that, I don't care how drunk you guys get!

END SCENE

* * *

_So that's it! If you enjoyed, please send a review my way! PREACH!_


	4. Chapter 4:SEXY

Hi all. I have not updated for a while, but Sexy was just too bad not to have a go at rewriting! Enjoy! Also, please please review (Love reading all of them!)

_

* * *

_

_Quinn and Rachel are sitting at opposite ends of the classroom. Emma is eating her grapes. A girl knocks on the door, asking if she can join the celibacy club. Emma stands up and shoos her away. Emma goes back to eating her grapes._

Rachel: Mrs Pillsbury, if I may. I for one have no idea what is happening. Didn't there used to be like fifteen members in this club, including boys? Also, why am I here? I had no objections towards sex until I started dating Finn, I mean I even bought a specially designed cape for the occasion.

Quinn: A cape? WTF! Also, I'd like to make it clear, I'm here to prove how independent and self-reliant I am. I haven't cheated on any of my boyfriends in 8 days! I love Jesus.

Rachel: That's because your last boyfriend dumped you? So you no longer have someone to cheat on? I'm honestly going to slap you if you mention independence one more time! Also, I know this is not really relevant but the flicks in your hair are really annoying me. You look like a Charlie's angel Quinn! (A/N- Okay I just had to get that out there!)

Emma _interrupts and prevents Rachel from hitting Quinn_: Girls! You are missing the point completely! Will was right about you both! The meeting is taking place because I have an important life lesson to explore! Yes, me! Can you believe it's finally my turn? I am going to reveal a very important secret about myself and the celibacy club is the correct setting for this. It's not all about you two! Now don't even try to guess because it is so…..

Quinn: Is it that you're a virgin Mrs P?

Emma: Dammit! How did you guess?

Rachel: Er because of the male/female double standard Mrs Pilsbury. You know, like you and I have to remain virgins to ensure we give our virginity to our appropriate endgame partners. While the boys just man-whore themselves at every opportunity.

Artie: Yeah it is! Look how quickly I forgot that I was pissed at Brittany for taking my virginity! Also, how much do you love my new phrase? Still sticking to the preach hands but mixing it up a little!

Quinn: Why are you always here Artie?

Artie: I just like to interject into every conversation. It's difficult to remind people I'm still here and I know Brittany's gonna leave me soon. I am so close to being like Tina.

Rachel: What, you mean an original member of the team who is now ignored completely, often for weeks on end?

Artie: Yeah it is! If it wasn't for this wheelchair, I'm pretty sure I would have transferred instead of that Matt kid.

Rachel: This might be the only time I ever say it, but…..PREACH!

END SCENE

* * *

_Will is in the choir room. Inappropriately, he writes the word SEXY on the board. He whispers it to the class. Unfortunately this causes a pile up in the corridor as 43 students overhear and immediately throw up._

Santana: Blah, Blah I am going to insult Rachel again…. Will my character ever develop?

Will _checks his hand, which says 'ignore bullying unless it's to do with a male member of the club' and nods. _Great point Santana!

_Holly Holiday enters._

Holly: Hey guys! I'm here to sing an inappropriate song and to anger parents across the country! Now, let's start with Finn: Did you seriously not know that Quinn was lying to you?

Finn: Totally, but I find it really easy to forgive Mrs H. I don't mind my girlfriends cheating on me.

Rachel _coughs loudly and mutters under her breath _Douche!

Finn _hearing Rachel's cough. _Sorry, I should have been more clear. I don't mind _Quinn _cheating on me.

Will: Don't get carried away Finn, it's not about you this week! Anyway, take it away Mrs Holiday!

_Holly starts to sing. Will __wildly applauds. He then writes a sign and holds it up to her. It says 'Go for it! I'm just glad people will start calling you a paedophile instead of me. Perhaps someone will finally close down the Paedo-will tumblr!'_

END SCENE

* * *

_Kurt and Blaine are at the coffee shop._

Kurt: I'm sorry Blaine, but I can't do this anymore. I'm transferring back to McKinley.

Blaine: Why?

Kurt: I literally have never drunk so much coffee in my life! We come here every second of the day. I mean it's a welcome change from hanging out in an armchair but still…

Blaine: Hang on man! It's Regionals next week; I'll transfer with you when we lose! Now we need to go and perform. Our performance needs to be sexy. Well it doesn't really; it's just an excuse for me to buy a foam machine.

_They walk to what appears to be a disused warehouse (A/N: Just watched it again: Where the hell is it?)_

Blaine: Hi girls. Now we're here to be sexy.

_The girls faint at how he pronounces sexy._

Blaine: So hold on to your bobby socks.

Girl 1: Hang on, did he just say bobby socks? Does he know it's 2011?

Girl 2: Maybe he thinks we're in the 1950's? This would explain why we are possibly in a place where a serial killer would hide.

Blaine: Just let me sing already!

_The group begins to sing. Kurt joins it and appears to have taken his inspiration from the Lion King Musical. Blaine stops the music._

Blaine: Wait, woah!

Kurt: Okay, I know I sung three whole lines but deal with it! You can't sing every line!

Blaine: I'm talking about your faces.

Kurt: You used the word bobby socks in a sentence, who are you to judge?

Blaine: Fair point. Coffee?

_Kurt bangs his head against the wall._

END SCENE.

* * *

_Holly, Santana and Brittany are singing 'Landslide.' Santana is wearing a T-Shirt that says 'Character development biatches' in large lettering and jeans._

Sam _whispers to Artie: _I wish we were exactly like Santana and Brittany!

Artie: That's weird.

Sam: I only said it so you'd say PREACH! I love it when you do that.

Artie: Again, weird.

_Sam shruggs._

Sam: I just love to keep everyone guessing about my sexuality!

Rachel: Brava for exploring Sapphic charm!

_Finn pulls a confused face._

Mercedes: Ha! To think he was using archetype last week!

END SCENE

* * *

_Burt and Kurt in kitchen._

Burt: So, I took your advice and did some research.

Kurt: I'm not listening! It's so hard to be special!

Burt: You asked me to research it!

Kurt: Yes, so I'd look superior. Not so I could actually listen to your advice.

_Kurt sighs melodramatically._

Kurt: I will now eat toast in my room, to further show my alienation from society!

Burt: You know what? Make your own frickin toast! You're a pain the ass!

_Burt throws a loaf of bread at Kurt._

END SCENE

* * *

_Brittany and Santana are at the locker. Santana is still wearing her T-Shirt._

Santana: So it turns out I'm a bitch because I have too much love for you! I can't believe how easy I've redeemed myself! _Pats self on back._

Brittany: Totally. Look at how intelligent and thoughtful I've become. To think just seconds ago I pretended I didn't know about reproduction.

Santana: So to cut it short: I'm scared of being with you, but I'm going to give a go. Shouldn't we be dragging this out, it seems surprisingly easy?

Brittany: Totally. Anyway, it turns out although this was my own idea; I'm actually in love with Artie. Mainly because he acts in a father figure way but also because we need a conflict to last up until Nationals.

Santana: Get away from me! _Runs off crying._

Brittany: If she had a catchphrase I'd totally dump Artie!

Artie: Damn Straight! PREACH! Yeah it is!

END SCENE.

* * *

_Finn and Quinn are in the bedroom, making out._

Quinn: So like I totally wanted to be independent, but then I figured your never going to get back with Rachel, unless I act like a total bitch. Also, I tried being nice for like one day but I got bored. But Finn, can I make it clear? I'm totally fooling around with you, but I am still focused on myself okay?

Finn: How can I know what archetype means but not understand that what you did was worse than Rachel?

Quinn: Anyway, it's totally awesome because of prom coming up!

Finn: Wait! I've figured it out! We've gone back in a time machine, right? This is like 2010 right cos your obsessed with dating me for popularity and to be prom queen and I'm oblivious to the consequences! I am also in love with Rachel; when am I going to start cheating on you with her?

Quinn: No Finn, I'm a totally different person now. See how curly my hair is. Also, check out my bigger boobs!

Finn: Oh. So you're not just with me for popularity?

Quinn: You should have been my first.

Finn: That doesn't answer the question.

Quinn: Puck was mistake.

Finn: Again, not answering my questioning. Was that supposed to be an apology? This is unclear.

Quinn: Can we just make out already? I need a hickey to show off to celibacy club! Geez!

_They begin to kiss. We realise that Finn is wearing a T-Shirt with the following slogan: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT I'D END UP A BIGGER ASS THAN PUCK? on the front._

END SCENE

* * *

_So that's it. Who knows, perhaps I won't need to do one of these for Original Song? _

_Anyways, please please review, I love to seeing how much you laughed, especially in inappropriate places!_


	5. Chapter 5: ORIGINAL SONG

_Hi all! I'm back! On the day the new episode airs, I thought a little parody of 'Original Song' might be appropriate! Enjoy and please review!_

* * *

SCENE: Dalton Academy

_Blaine__ walks in and burst into song. Annoyed at not being the centre of attention, Kurt starts to sob loudly. Unfortunately, nobody notices. He takes out his notebook and begins to hatch a plan to murder the beloved Pavarotti._

_Song ends._

Blaine: Hey, Regionals! You've just met our opening number

Wes: Err, no Blaine. Regionals is in three days; we should have prepared this months ago. Also, don't talk to the ceiling; it's weird.

_Kurt sighs loudly._

Blaine: Is there a problem Kurt?

Kurt: Yes Blaine, there is. The problem is that I care too much. Because I'm so a lovely person and so caring, kind and special, I am so fucking fed up of you getting all the solos! Like, seriously, what's up with that? I'm the special one, remember? You're just here to enhance my fight for acceptance and tolerance, not to steal my screen time!

_Blaine, who has unfortunately tuned out after hearing the word 'special'' (fearing Kurt was about to confess his love for the 36th time) begins to think about whether he should supersize his Big Mac order when he has lunch later._

END SCENE

* * *

_Rachel and Finn enter the choir room._

Rachel: So I've decided to sing a very similar song to My Headband in order to inspire another speech. It's been one hour since your last one.

_Brad, the piano man contemplates resigning for the fifth time that day. Rachel begins to sing the song 'Only Child.' She stops after the third line. Finn is puzzled._

Rachel: What's wrong Finn?

Finn: Nothing, I'm waiting for the rest of the song.

Rachel: Err, it's only three lines long Finn. I figured you interrupt me and begin your speech by now? I'm not going to write the whole song just to get your attention; that would be stupid!

Finn: Oh no, that's not the plan. It needs to be several verses long to allow me to show a range of humorous facial expressions.

Rachel: Dammit!

Finn: Hey, is that Quinn watching us from the window? Wait, is she talking to herself?

Rachel: No, surely not. I mean she's wearing a beach hat indoors! Oh, I remember now, Quinn is styling herself on 70s icons! _Pause. _Hey, she gets an inner monologue; that's so not fair! She gets all the inner monologues lately! Remember when_ I_ used to get inner monologues?

Finn: It's called changing Rachel! Deal with it! I mean- remember last year when I used to be a total douche, who only cared about popularity and hot cheerleaders? Look at me now. Totally changed.

Rachel: Finn, you did an inner monologue ten minutes ago in the hallway about your popularity and cheerleaders. Whilst wearing sunglasses. Surrounded by cheerleaders. Wearing an 'I wink at random girls' T-Shirt.

Finn: Damn these continuity errors! I'm so confused lately! Like that whole Puck and Lauren thing; is that a joke? It's a joke right? No one will explain it to me!

Rachel: Nobody knows anymore Finn (_shakes her head sadly) _Nobody knows!

END SCENE

* * *

Quinn _is speaking to herself in the hallway, while staring at Rachel and Finn: _I know what you're thinking. I'm a bitch, one dimensional and my storylines suggest someone is seriously misogynistic. But this is the most I've spoken in two years and even if it's just because I'm delaying a Finchel reunion; I'm going for it! I just wish I didn't wear clothes that make me look like I'm going for a picnic. I thought I used to be hot! _Pauses _Why is Rachel doing some kind of comedy dance for Finn and making him laugh? I can't let her get away with this! I know! I'm going to do a comedy dance for Finn! No wait, that's not right! I'm going to become Rachel's friend to….. well to….. oh that's not important right now! I'm going to become Rachel's friend!

_Quinn writes 'become Rachel's friend' on her hand next to 'Curl hair for the fifth time today' and 'remember I like to sing-surely I'm due a solo?'_

END SCENE

* * *

_Kurt arrives amidst a Dalton Academy discussion, wearing a T-Shirt with 'RIP Pavaroti…' on the front and '…give me my god damn solo now biatches!'_

Blaine: Oh my god!

_Kurt, pleased at the effect he has created, pauses for maximum effect._

Blaine: Are you wearing knee high boots?

Wes: And all black. Banish him, Warblers! He is clearly practising witchcraft! How dare he enterDaltonAcademywithout uniform! If the principle finds him, he'll be expelled!

Bob: (A/N Bob is my name for an unknown warbler. I admit it didn't take long to think up, but I'm sticking with it as one of the Warblers is called Wes! Therefore, any name is good in comparison. P.S. No offence if your name is Wes. Or Bob.) I know I don't speak, or even actually sing. but there are no teachers in this school, or indeed any adults to supervise us. We could run riot, or at the very least jump on the armchairs.

Artie: PREACH!

_Pause as 22 warblers turn to look at Artie. Kurt begins to cry._

Artie: Don't mind me! Just getting my background acting on!

Kurt: Can we get back to me! Pavarotti was a friend, I admired his motivation, his voice…

Bob: What a ridiculous thing to say! Dude, it's a bird! I don't even know why you were put in charge of it anyways!

Blaine: Because we were trying to make the bird a metaphor, remember Bob? (A/N- I like to think of Bob as a female Brittany; I'm getting into this character now!) Like both are trapped….

Bob: Kurt lives in a cage?

Blaine: Well not literally, it's like….. Okay fine, I admit it! Kurt made me give him the bird, so he'd get extra screen time!

_Kurt ignores this and begins to sing his solo._

END SCENE

* * *

_Choir room. _

Rachel: I think we should write an original song for Regionals.

Santana: Rachel's a freak!

_Will applauds loudly._

Quinn: I think we should write an original song for Regions.

_Will applauds loudly._

Will: That's an amazing idea. I approve!

Quinn: It was Rachel's idea.

Will: Well if that's the case, I'm not making the decision! It's not like I lead the club in any way so we'll vote. Then if it goes wrong, I can blame the club rather than myself.

Finn: This suits me; I can stick up for Rachel without… well y'know without saying it aloud to other people.

END SCENE

* * *

SCENE _auditorium _

_Quinn is pretending to play on the piano, while contemplating another inner monologue. Rachel arrives._

Rachel: Hello Quinn, we've bonded right? Over the whole my never mentioned long-lost mother adopting your child from an illicit affair that everyone has forgotten about?

Quinn: I had a baby with Sam? Damn, I bet it's pretty! And dumb.

Rachel: No with Puck! See how I just subtly reminded everyone that you had a baby, while I have abandonment issues. Just go along with this!

Quinn: I just can't keep up with who I'm supposed to be cheating on! Anyway, despite this I'm dating Finn, Rachel. Sure we keep arguing about Prom but naturally I have my whole future mapped out with I guy who at best, I tolerate. So Finn's going to take over Burt's car place…..

Rachel: If I may to interrupt? We graduate next year! How old do you think Burt is? Isn't he like fourty? He's not going to retire for another twenty years! Also, he's not rich. It costs a lot to keep Kurt sitting in a leather armchair each day.

Quinn: Oh, well, not to worry I'll be a real estate agent and….

Rachel: Again, if I may interrupt, since when you have expressed any desire to sell real estate?

Quinn: Well I figure I kinda dress like a middle aged woman I might as well become one! Plus you know I can trick people into all sorts of shit; that's a good quality for a realtor right? Anyway, the point I'm making is that you belong in New York Rachel! (_Quinn's voice falters; leaving us curious as to whether she is emotional or just has a cold) _Dammit, why can't I cry on cue? I have an emotional side too! Rachel I'm trying to say you'll never (pause) Get. It. Right.

Rachel: Maybe I should forget all about Finn, I mean you're right I am super talented and Finn is going to just mope around all depressed that I'm the bigger star! I think I'll write a song called 'I'm a star and….'

Quinn: You're not listening! Just try to GET IT. GET IT RIGHT BITCH!

Rachel: Get what right? Why is there a man behind you holding a cue card that says 'get it right?'

Quinn: It's Finn okay! He made me do it! He said if I don't trick you into writing a song called Get it Right then he will never realise his secret love for you before Nationals!

Rachel: Oh! I've already written a song called 'Finn Hudson; I love you but not in a stalker kind of way!' but I guess I can move the words around. You should have just said so Quinn!

_Rachel skips off._

END SCENE

* * *

_Choir room_

Will: I've left Rachel and Quinn completely unsupervised, in true form to my teaching qualities. Now I was going to teach you all about song writing but I realised I didn't actually know anything. You know, I have no Music qualifications? I have my degree in Spanish and then a certificate in stopping Glee fights but that's it. So I brought you a book. Read it for an hour, while I send text messages to my new girlfriend.

Mike: _(whispering to Tina) _Mr Shue is such a good teacher, apparently I can wheel on the main prop during the group number at Regionals! That man has given me so much opportunity.

Tina wearing a T-Shirt with 'Free Tina from miming' (_whispering to Mike) _Whatever, that Dude sold me out! I haven't sung a note for year! Here, sign my petition!

Mike: What am I signing _for_? (_studies the sheet) _A petition to prevent Tina moving from Regular to recurring Glee club member? You only have three signatures….

Tina: Well, two actually. If you look closely, Mercedes thinks it's a petition to bring back tots into the cafeteria, see? (_Tina points at the sheet, where Mercedes has written clearly 'I won't rest until I get my tots!')_Hey, do you think I should get in some kind of eating storyline?

Mike: Babe, just be grateful you're still allowed to speak. Sam questioned Mr Shue the other day and he's been relegated to backing vocals! Sure he has that stupid Santana storyline but we all know that's not going anywhere. Word on the street he's considering a Kurt-Blaine love triangle to get back into the spotlight?

Tina: What does Kurt think?

Mike: We'll he's totally up for some more drama but apparently this would give him more screentime than all the other characters put together, so they'd have to rename us Kurt Hummel and the New Directions for legal reasons. Mr Shue doesn't like anyone getting more attention than him, so I don't think it's gonna happen.

Tina (_shaking head) _tough break!

END SCENE

* * *

_Regionals. Rachel is watching Aural Intensity Perform and receives a text message from Finn._

From: Finn Hudson

Hi Rach, eye sex in five minutes?

_Rachel shakes her head and replies._

From: Rachel Berry

Err, no Finn. Emotional gazing remember? Can you try to make yourself cry?

From: Finn Hudson

Totally! Do you wanna start or…?

From: Rachel Berry

No, you start. No wait I'll look at you and realise you were already looking at me! That's deep!

From: Finn Hudson

I don't understand. How will I know when to look if your not looking and I'm not looking first?

From: Rachel Berry

JUST STARE AT ME FINN!

_Kurt and Blaine arrive on stage. Rachel and Finn begin their staring competition. Quinn begins doing her nails, until Finn nudges her. She assumes her jealous girlfriend position._

END SCENE

* * *

_Backstage at Regionals. Rachel is singing 'Get it Right' while Rachel, Finn and Quinn stand backstage._

Will _smiles: _Man I am such a good teacher! Look, what I've achieved Finn!

Finn: Err Mr Shue, you didn't contribute to this any way! In fact, you didn't even give Rachel the book.

Will: Yes I did! I wrote the words on the whiteboard! I added 'like me' to the word 'Loser' too. Hey, what's up with your face?

Finn: Oh, I'm half smiling Mr Shue. To show my happiness at Rachel's song, yet to suggest I am also torn between her and Quinn.

Will: Man, that's subtle! I like it! I might try that when I see Emma, y'know- try not to be that obvious?

Finn: Totally, unlike Quinn who has pulled that 'I'm jealous of Finchel' look for the 36th time this hour. I'm all about the range!

END SCENE

* * *

_Rachel and Finn outside of the Regionals venue._

Rachel: I can't believe we won!

Finn: Well we kinda had too… Otherwise there's no reason for us to go to New York, and if we don't go to New York, then how are we going to get back together?

Rachel: Totally. I can't believe we reunited in a hallway last year Finn! Who does that? Secondary characters that's who! Sure we were rushed for time because the Jesse debacle was dragged on, but it was still lazy. I say we go all out for it this time! Let's forgot the staring and you carry on with Quinn for now. Then we can have some Prom drama, and oh...also I'd like you to get in a fight over me. Hmm, who could we…

Jesse _approaches, as if by magic. _Hi guys! I'm your man! I quit Burger King and I'm coming back. I figure I can go out with Rachel and Finn can jealous….

Finn (_pats Jesse's back)_Nice try dude, but we've already done that, for like all of last year. We can't just repeat storylines or ignore important things such as the fact you were in love with Rachel and then egged her!

Jesse: Is this guy for real Rachel?

Rachel: I know right! Some times I don't think it's worth the hassle, I mean does he really think when we get together we're going to stay together? We'll break up at least 5 time next year too! Hey, Jesse, why not stay a while. Once Finn and I reunite I'll need someone to cheat on when I'm feeling out of character?

Jesse: Sounds like I plan!

_Jesse and Rachel walk off in to the distance. Finn scratches his head._

Finn: Sometimes I really don't get Glee. I try to write things down on my hand but things happen in random order and no-one can explain them to me! I mean I only joined a year ago because Mr Shue found drugs in my locker; I could give or take singing to be honest. Hmm, maybe I should check if my punishments up yet?

END SCENE

* * *

That's it! Here's hoping tonight's ep is good one. If you enjoyed this, then please review! I'll give a special 'preach' or 'damn straight' to you next time I write!


	6. Chapter 6:New York

_My last spoof of the season. While I'm super happy about Finchel, I though the writing of this episode was pretty dire. Lots of bad writing for me to spoof! If you enjoyed, please review!_

* * *

_The Glee club are sitting on the steps of Times Square. Surprisingly, it is almost deserted. Rachel enters._

Rachel: Guys I have great news! I have got us 13 tickets to see Cats the musical!

Quinn: Seriously? 1 and half minutes in and we're already out of character? Fuck this, I still be going ahead with Serial Killer Quinn. It's happening!

Mike: Why only 13 tickets; don't we need a chaperone?

Finn: Well considering Mr Shue has already abandoned us and it's illegal to only have one chaperone to 13 kids I'm guessing no. Is it too early to start gazing at Rachel yet?

Rachel: Go for it Finn! I'm just going to insert a vulgar and illogical joke about a butt crack and then we'll cut to…..

END SCENE

* * *

Will: Me already? Damn, this is quick editing!

Hotel Receptionist: Welcome to the International Continental New York Times Square. (_pauses and then looks unsure)_ Is that enough brand advertising or should I do it again?

Will: No it's fine. I'm so poor even though I have a huge Cheerio budget. I can only afford 2 rooms (_starts to cry)_

Hotel Receptionist: Well, a few suggestions. If you're so poor why didn't you just stay for one night? Also, FYI perhaps stay somewhere that isn't Times Square? Or finally, failing that, just sell your hat?

Will: I don't think that would bring in much money? It's worth like nothing.

Hotel Receptionist: Did I say sell? I meant burn.

Will: Also, we need to stay longer because if it's just one night Finn and Rachel won't have time to get back together.

Quinn: And I won't have time for my evil masterplan? Right, Mr Shue?

Will (_looking at his watch)_ Sure, Quinn. We've still got plenty of time! Did you hear that? (_Alarm starts going off) _It's the Finchel alarm!

END SCENE

* * *

Finn: Hey you.

Rachel: Hey, how's serial killer Quinn?

Finn: I guess she accepted the inevitable. (He rips off his jacket to display a T-Shirt with the slogan _Bye Fuinn, It's Finchel time. _He pauses)

Rachel: Why the pause?

Finn: Oh these Fuinn shippers are crazy; you have to make it really clear or they'll start making up shit about how I'm really in love with Quinn again. So anyway, how's Jesse? And Puck? Let's get St Berry and Puckleberry written off in under 5 minutes and get our reunion on!

Rachel: Finn, I'm far too busy enjoying New York to discuss the fact I've chased you for six months. _Walks off leaving Finn very confused._

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and the rest of the boys are sitting in their bedroom._

Finn: Hi guys, can I do a Finchel duet again?

Mike: Definitely, it'll help us win!

Sam: Finchel did a duet last year and you lost? That was made clear last week?

Finn: I know but we need to get back together and there's only 36 minutes left!

Sam: How about we actually address the fact that we got a plane without any songs? Even though we've been talking about Nationals for a year? Or the fact it's two days away and we still have no songs?

Finn: Dude! Shue might be listening? Do you wanna mysteriously transfer next year or something?

Sam: Hello! No way they getting rid of the homeless kid! I'm relevant again _and_ without falling back on my eating disorder! I can do whatever shit I like now, like eating Doritos from a bag! Thank god for continuity errors!

Mike: Totally and I've got Tina so….

Finn: Yeah good luck with that one. So back to me and Rachel….

Puck: Why don't you plan an over the top ridiculous date so you get Finchel fans back on your side? You've got 35 minutes to go from douche to a hero man! Let's get to work and forget about the songs for now!

Artie: PREACH!

END SCENE

* * *

_Rachel and Kurt are drinking coffee outside Tiffany's._

Rachel: So although I've threw myself at him every single week without fail, I'm feeling fairly neutral towards Finn now. Sure I want to get back with him, but despite his efforts last night, I didn't feel Central Park, a romantic meal and being serenaded was epic enough? We're Finchel; does he know that? I'm not sure if I should hold out but time is ticking Kurt! I've created this new storyline of me being independent and loving stardom but how long can that realistically last?

Kurt: Let's break in to a Broadway theatre! There's a security guard who lets anyone in apparently! We can sing a song as a distraction tactic? Then let's all move to New York together!

Rachel: Definitely; except for Finn, because although this has never been mentioned before he's actually a farmer who lives in the country.

Kurt: Tough break!

END SCENE.

* * *

_Santana, Quinn and Brittany are in the bedroom._

Santana: We've been sent in to break some terrible news to you Quinn.

Brittany: Your storyline's been cut to make way for a girl group rapping to Usher. You have approximately 30 seconds to deliver your Serial Killer plan as promised to Finn last week.

Quinn: Shit. Okay, I hate Nationals, I'm going to get Kurt and Rachel kicked off the team for sneaking off, even though I told everyone to do this yesterday.

Santana: Hmm, but the thing is you wouldn't have known about Kurt and Rachel sneaking off last week so it doesn't really….

Quinn: (_checks watch)_ Why won't anyone love me? I hate myself!

Santana: Sam loved you.

Quinn: Not him.

Brittany: Well Puck definitely loved you.

Quinn: Not him either.

Santana: Is this about Finn? Do you want him to love you again?

Quinn: No, not him either. Perhaps I'm not being clear. I'm switching tactics and trying to get sympathy by breaking down and pretending to be unloved.

Santana: Let's chop all your hair off instead!

Brittany: Definitely.

(_Stopwatch bleeps in the background)_

Quinn: Gosh that scene went quickly!

END SCENE

* * *

_The group are gathered in the bedroom, awaiting Mr Shue's return._

Finn: Hey, Mr Shue come look at our songs! Here. (_He thrusts a piece of paper in front of Will)_

Will: Finn, I've been busy pretending to be on Broadway all day.

Puck: Well maybe you should have helped us rather than give us a stupid book.

Mike: Or taught a lesson that involved more that one word! Here, Mr Shue, read mine?

Will: No guys. Why don't we let it be a surprise? Given that Nationals are tomorrow anyway. I'm just going to…

Rachel _interrupting_: Guys, I've just figured it out: Mr Shue can't read!

Will: What! That's ridiculous! Just because I never read your songs, have abandoned you in New York, broke numerous Health and Safety regulations by putting you in the same room and encouraged bullying does not mean I can't read.

Finn: Either that or you're a really bad teacher who deserves to get fired.

Will _pauses, thinking of his paycheck, along with the fact that the April Rhodes musical clearly won't make any money: _Your right! I can't read! Group hug please!

END SCENE

* * *

_Rachel and Finn are backstage before singing their duet._

Rachel: Finn, you wrote an amazing song. Considering yesterday you were struggling to find words to rhyme with pain and copy of Brittany in Math, you have now somehow written a complete song.

Finn: Fuck the song, I got the lyrics of the internet. How dare you not immediately get back together with me woman? It's been a whole week since I broke up with Quinn and I've totally forgot about the fact you cheated on me. Let's just get back together and ignore our issues!

Rachel: Although I love you, I can't Finn! I am so dedicated my dreams of stardom that there's no way I could get involved in a love triangle.

Finn: Makes sense I guess. No worries.

Rachel (_thinking_): Unless… unless you make out with me on stage but that's never going to happen!

Finn: Deal!

END SCENE.

* * *

_Coffee Shop_

Sam: Do you think anyone knows we're going out?

Mercedes: We're background characters, I don't think anyone gives a fuck. This just stops us become extras.

Sam: Dammit- you're right. Maybe if we got involved in some kind of Finchel love triangle.

Mercedes: Or why not combine our eating storylines to form a kind of anorexia/over-eating disorder anonymous group?

Sam: Definitely!

_Both high fiv__e._

Sam: So should we get some kind of couple name or…..

Mercedes: There's no time. Quick, hold my hand!

END SCENE

* * *

_Brittany and Santana are at the lockers._

Santana: So, even though the rest of the group spent no time contributing to the songs in any way, I'm so annoyed at Rachel and Finn right now. How dare they write the songs and then make out? I mean I did spend the entire day helping Quinn cut her hair but I didn't make out with anyone! Are you and Artie back together?

Brittany: Nobody knows! We just decided to act like we're back together to delay the Brittania reunion.

Santana: Cool. I know I've said this already but I love you. However, I'm not prepared to be in a couple with you and I am not going to explain why.

Brittany: So no storyline progression in the finale? Dammit! Emotional hug?

Santana: Hey, it could be worse. At least we're not Wemma!

END SCENE

* * *

_Finn and Rachel walking to__ the choir room, holding hands._

Finn: Man to think of all those times we delayed the reunion as it was too early and now we literally had one minute to resolve all our issues.

Rachel: But we totally did babe. I mean you explained the Firework comment… oh wait. Okay, well you explained why you forgave Quinn so easily and… Oh, no you didn't do that either. But it's not like we're getting back together without talking about why we broke up? Is it?

Finn: That's what next year is for babe! Also you managed to get a whole new storyline in there with that whole one year thing! Finchel for the win!

_They enter the choir room._

Quinn (_wearing a T-Shirt with the slogan: A Haircut changes everything) _

Hey guys! Finn and Rachel, what a cute couple you are! Rachel you look so pretty! Let's have a sleepover and do each other's hair and you can tell me how happy you and Finn are together. Finn, let's forget you dumped me. In fact, let me give you a pat on the back for doing so! Finchel for the win!

_Will enters the choir room._

Will: All storylines resolved with seconds to spare guys! Well done! Let's forget that we came 12th because we were totally unprepared and my poor teaching skills. Everyone loves a happy ending, so how about a round of applause?

END

* * *

So that's it! Man, there are so many inconsistencies in this ep! Hopefully the writing will be better in series 3! If you read and enjoyed, please review! PREACH!


	7. Chapter 7: SEASON 3! WOOP!

_**I'm back! For those of you who don't know, I used to write New Connections and also parodies of Season 2. This came to me the other day, so I'd thought I'd jot it down! It's all in good humour as I'm actually really enjoying Season 3. Hope you like- if so, review away!**_

* * *

_Will is sitting in his classroom making last minute preparations for the first Glee club meeting of the year. He gets out his pen and writes the words 'CONTINUITY FTW' on the whiteboard. The rest of the Glee club enters and sits down._

Will: Alright guys! Welcome to the first meeting of the year! I'm psyched! Now first order of business….

Rachel (_interrupting)_ Mr Shue if I may. Can I ask why we've met in what appears to be a Spanish classroom rather than the choir room?

Will: Well, firstly it's my classroom (_Students turn to each other in confusion_)

Mike (_astounded)_: You're a Spanish teacher? No one ever mentions that.

Will: Anyway, secondly if we meet in the choir room, you'll all be tempted to break into song and we need to get this shit locked down! First order of business, stand up and face the camera please. Now take these name tags. (_Will distributes name tags that have 'junior' or 'senior' written on them_)

Tina: I'm a junior! A whole extra year of storylines! Yay!

Will: Well it was literally because I couldn't be bothered to write you an exit story but whatever.

Blaine: How am I Junior? Seriously?

Kurt: So, he gets an extra year of air time? Bitch please, I need a love triangle and I needs it fast!

Will: Quiet down, we've got a ton of stuff to get through. _(reading from Checklist_) Okay, I need Finchel. Where is Finchel? (Rachel and Finn raise their hand)

Will: Right, make notes Rachel please. Had sex yet?

Finn: Err excuse me?

Will: We need to get that sorted asap.

Rachel: I'm a woman of integrity! I refuse to give into carnal desires until I'm at least 25 or the rating flag to such a desperate level that we're in danger of getting cancelled.

Will: I'm thinking four weeks time.

Rachel: What the…

Will: Well you need to get out of the way before the engagement; we don't want people accusing us of the whole 'no sex before marriage thing.' I've got enough of that with Emma.

_(Finn begins to hyperventilate and considers jumping out of the window)_

Finn: I'm proposing. Oh hell no! This cannot be happening. I specifically requested that this year I would be acting normal. You got the contract revisions didn't you?

Will: Yes I did Finn (_sarcastically_) I don't think you needed to underline 'No Fuinn' three times but…

Finn (interrupting): Believe me I did, those fans be cray!

Rachel: If we may get back to the fact that I'm getting engaged!

Will: Yep, now if we plan it in January we can get the wedding for the winter finale.

_Finn jumps out of the window. A pause._

Will (_laughing nervously, waves hand_): Don't worry, he'll be back. He did this when I suggested he got Quinn to cheat on Sam but it all blew over eventually!

Rachel: It's not happening!

Will: Rachel, you're being unfair! We need something for a cliff-hanger- what else am I supposed to do?

Rachel (_rolls eyes, sarcastically)_ Gee I don't know, hit someone with a truck!

Will: That's actually I really great idea Rachel! Any ideas who guys? I mean the obvious choice is Tina. (_Tina sobs hysterically_) but we don't want people making it a racism thing. I mean obviously Glee club isn't racist in any way. That reminds me, Mercedes. I've got the perfect guy for you since I blackmailed those guys to… I mean since Sam got transferred.

Mercedes: Let me guess, he's black right?

Will: Yes, how did you know?

Mercedes: You we're saying? (_sarcasm is totally lost on Will_)

Will: Anyway, Let me just jot that down! I'll think of someone to get hit later I'm sure. (Will adds to checklist)

Rachel: Mr Shue, is that a print out from the Glee forum website?

Will: Yeah! Isn't it great? I just copy and pasted the best ideas! Sure, there's some crazy things out there but on the whole (looks at the next item on the list) I know it's a long shot Rach, but you wouldn't consider becoming a lesbian with Quinn? Just for like a day? It would be a big help! _(Rachel storms out of the room, Will shouts out after her_) Fine, could you at least stare at her for like half episode then? Those Faberry fans will take anything.

END SCENE.

* * *

Scene 2, Will's Classroom

Will: Thanks for joining me again guys (_he nods at Finn-who now has his arm in a cast- and Rachel in particular)_ This actually is taking a lot longer than expected. Right, let's get going. Mike?

_Mike almost faints with shock before raising his hand. _

Mike: Yes Sir.

Will: We're going to meet your Dad this year! Not sure what we'll do, maybe go visit him at Panda Express or...

Mike: My father doesn't work at Panda Express Sir. He's a doctor.

Will: Shoot! Really? Okay, we'll figure something out there then. (_thinks for a second) _I've got it! Your father forces you to choose between dancing or Harvard! It's brilliant- I might actually dedicate, like a whole ten minutes to it. (Will begins to applaud himself)

Rachel: Mr Shue it's extremely unlikely Mike would be applying for such a good school. What next, Quinn transforming herself in time for early admission at Yale? Ha! This isn't Gossip Girl!

Will: Another amazing idea Rachel! I'm so glad, I actually listen to you this year. Quinn going to Yale! Of course it'll be a push, with her being insane at the moment but we'll work around it, get her some meds…

Rachel: It was a joke! (_muttering_) I need to stop speaking.

Will: Any idea how we could get Quinn to stop being crazy guys? I'm thinking she just clicks her fingers and gets better… or murders someone? I guess the murder would be more likely but….

Puck: Er, here's an idea. Why not reuse an old plot line. Like the fact she has a baby! It worked last year right?

Will: There were a ton of new plot lines last year!

Puck: Name one.

Will: (_pauses)_ Err, so about this baby thing! Let's do it! I'm so on board! We just need to get what-ers-name in on it!

Rachel: My mother?

Will: No, no, the one who adopted Beth?

Rachel: Yes. My mother.

Finn: I really think you are referring to her mother Mr Shue.

Will: Finchel! I really haven't got time for you making up storylines right now. Just take the engagement one already! Geez!

Puck: Alright! I'm so up for an emotional storyline! We need to get rid of Lauren…

Will: Consider it done! Alright guys, if you could put on your special vision googles and watch the powerpoint carefully, I'll run through a few more changes this year (_A series of slides come up on the screen. They read as follow: Slide 1- Get rid of Lauren- Wrestling Scholarship? :Slide 2- Sam transferred, Don't ask.:Slide 3- New Irish Guy. Won't really notice him, please think of relevant Irish storylines: Slide 4- New Christian Guy. We'll put him off for as long as possible. Slide 5- Find Artie a girlfriend, if anyone's still bothered about him._

Artie: (_pauses slide) _Hey? I'm relevant! Get me a love interest.

Will: Perfect! I do have someone in mind. She's a new character... a potential love triangle actually..

Kirt (_shouting loudly)_ Don't do it! They tell you that as they're a new character, you'll get all the airtime. Until everyone falls in love with them and you have to stay with him just to meet the minimum airtime quota for season regular!(then, turns to Artie- whispering) I have a guy who can temporarily blind people, let me know if you want in.

Artie: Oh please bro! I ain't got nothing else going on since Preach got trademarked by another show.

Will: It's sorted then! Now, before you leave you may have noticed a subliminal message that played through the presentation. It was a special word. Can anyone tell me what it was?

Finn: Conti- Contan- err?

Rachel: Continuity Finn!

Will: Finn, you're really going to have to drop the dumb thing if we're ever going to believe you have a chance of college. Fast! Moving on, the word is indeed continuity. This means, we need to constantly remind the audience we remember what happened in other episodes. To show that season 3 is different and finally put paid to those cruel allegations of our brains being rewired after season 1 (_shakes head)_ Right, Finn and Rachel, could you try it out please?

(Rachel and Finn stand at the front)

Rachel:(_getting into role, excitedly) _Sure! Hey Finn, remember when you first joined Glee club… it was so romantic?

Finn: Err, when Mr Shue tricked me into joining for marijuana possession, which was both unethical and decietful? Sure.(_pause_) I did it! Continuity! Yay! (_Finchel high five)_

Will: Not exactly! Something that doesn't get me fired! Try again.

Finn: Hey Rach, remember when we loved each other for ages. That was great wasn't it! With the whole Quinn thing (_begins to shake vividly) _Sorry guys- I still have scars. Then the whole popularity conflict that I repeated on three different occasions.

Rachel: Totally. I mean, except when I was in love with Mr Shue and he and his wife used me to clean their house, which was on reflection inappropriate.

Finn: Ooh you know what else was inappropriate Rach? When Mr Shue took us to New York and left us alone for long periods of time with no supervision! I'm so good at this game! (_Another adorable Finchel high five!)_

Will: Ok, you need to shut the fuck up! Class dismissed.

END SCENE.

* * *

Ha! Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
